Personal Essay that shows a paradigm shift (Creative writing)

I need a rewrite of my personal statement for a high level English class. The essay I wrote got a B+. My professor believes that the essay has a potential to receive an A. Essay must show a “Creation”, “Fall” and “Redemption”, which means CREATE the scenario that caused or led to a difficult moment for me (which difficulty later on caused a learning experience and paradigm shift in me). FALL means actual hardship scenario and Redemptions means my change in perception, my paradigm shift, my realization.

It must be a creative and artistic writing with parables, hyperboles, metaphors. My professor liked my first page a lot, but said that somewhere in the middle the essay lost it’s artistic voice. She also mentioned that somewhere it start to become a narrative instead of an essay. It has many themes, when it need only one.

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As you rewrite, I would like you to keep the artistic voice found on the first page.

Please review my professors notes for more corrections to make on the attached documents. I send you a rubric that she will use to grade the paper again. If you review all the documents I sent you in attachment, you will have exactly what you need to work with.

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